[Tues. May 2, 2012: 6 years ago? 1 little, 2 little, 3 little friends. 4 little, 5 little, 6 little friends. 7 little, 8 little, 9 little friends. 10 little, 11 little friends all happily laughing. Then one day we were all in highschool? 1 and 2 little, 3 and 4 little graduated, engaged and married. 5 little, 6 little, 7 littel are seniors, 8 little, 9 little, 10 little, were juniors/sophmores. all on different roads]
[2008, sophomore year]
like i said, sophomore year at school started out sloppy and boring. like me. i had just gotten braces and i couldn't care at least about my appearance, mostly my hair. i wasn't the new kid at school this year but once in a while it certainly felt like it. plus, sometimes i wasn't in a good mood for no reason and i was always tired it seemed like.
but, my school work became really important to me and i really was striving to get all A's so i would not have to take any exams at the end of the semester. i loved learning the new vocabulary words and history lessons. and finally? no crushes, smittens with anyone. i really just tried to work on my friendships, especially at church.
I felt like jerry and i were pretty smooth sailing. marc and I would always fight though, or it was just mostly me picking on him. ms.lulu enjoyed it though, "you're always fighting like an old couple" she'd joke. i didn't mind it. to me, it was all fun and games. and marc was so funny.
but i'd never believe he really liked me-like that.
goofy, clumsy, low self-esteem, tangly hair? not a chance. i mean, let's face it-i was not 100% model material.
* * *
i like that when zz and i went to the lulu's house in august, i was myself. i played guitar hero with them and watched prom night and just hung out. nothing special, just us pals
* * *
One day in september i was reading the book "love, stargirl". and what she did was write this "longest letter" to her 'lover'. being inspired easily by books , i decided to do that.
i wrote to marcus. he just popped into my head, entries were like how was your day/here's some random information about me/sorry i said this to you/sorry i did this to you/i promise i'll stop annoying you/ and most importantly-i wouldn't really mind going to the movies with you as friends and just hanging out.
all of these things i wrote to him because they were so much easier than saying it to his face.
* * *
and so i was into learning. i was determined to become "smarter". yes, i got good grades and studied my butt off, but as one knows, the more you learn, some stuff you forget. plus, i always felt dumb compared to marmar and jo. the "crazy girl" doesn't really know anything. i always got that tone and vibe from some stuff joe said to me. marmar was in a higher math and science than me and he was a year younger. i studied my vocab, i learned about ATP, and i did the practice booklet for the PSAT, i understood my geometry, but i always, always felt slightly dumber,
and i constantly question myself and write to him- why me?
* * *
so the school aspect of sophomore year wasn't all that superb. but youth group was all the better.
not liking anyone was especially uplifting. just me laughing, striving to be "the funny, crazy" one.
in october, we went to the corn maze. we all got seperated from one another. joe and lauren found a boy to talk to, and marmar, mm, and chris got seperated from me. i eventually caught up with jerry; we just talked about biology and my clumsy ways.
december rolled around and ms.lulu, jerry, lauren all told me the same news: marmar was getting me something for christmas. i asked , "what is it??" they just told me "it's something you've asked for". that could only have me think of two things- 1. a booklight 2. or breaking dawn by stephanie myers.
still, i realized that i would get him something too.
at the lwml christmas luncheon i asked ms.lulu my number one thought "why me?" she named all these qualities but after all of them i would say "i'm mean". she shrugged.
* * *
I guess i became more comfortable and goofy self. and I did things that had people laughing...so that actually gave me hope that i was thought of atleast a friend to them.
* * *
clues:
1.it's not edible
2.i'll love it
3. something that i'd sleep with but not normal people
* * *
we all went caroling again this year, and it was awesome. we sang in nursing homes and everyone was laughing-jo, chris,me,jerry,marmar, lauren,zz. with them, i felt it was okay to be me.
one advent dinner, marc wasn't in a good mood and I wasn't helping. eventually I apologized to his face and he told me his mp3 player fell in the toilet. it was the second one, the first one someone stole...i tried not to laugh picturing it falling in the toilet, i just listened.
later, i scanned them on the computer, trying to look for an mp3 player. some were 70 dollars, and i thought that would be an excellent present. i told mom, but she said that would be too much to buy. so i kept looking.
* * *
i went to walmart one day with mom and i saw it. a new england patriot cup, i immediatley thought of marmar. at home i put new york giant pictures on it as a joke. simple, but i thought it would fit him perfectly.
* * *
sometimes i picture an amazing, super hot guy falling in love with me.
then i remember seeing her: the person who looks back at me in the mirror.
dorky smile, filled with braces
long,mangy,greasy hair that needs to be cut
stupid school uniform-shirts too big
shy at school
clumsy, really loud
i sigh. sometimes i think the whole God fearfully and wonderfully made thing blows.
* * *
Christmas eve was here and we all helped pass out candles during the evening service. Lydia Grimmenstein was playing her violing and jerry asked me " why aren't you playing" i said "they told me I didn't have to"
"you should get over your stage fright"
" I don't!...I just get nervous". but i smiled at him anyway because for once i could talk to him like a normal human being and not freak out.
After church they wanted me to open the present in front of marmar. I was afraid of that, cause I didn't want everyone watching me. While we waited for mom to get the camera, ms.lulu and I were talking about college. I told her I wanted to major in creative writing and I was thinking about greensboro. Jerry wanted to go to duke, he goes " she's said her major like 10 times !" I quickly hoped that wasn't true, I didn't want to sound like a idiot repeating her self.
then, it was zz, marmar and me. zz said, "ally's getting me world of warcraft for christmas, sucks!" marmar said "really??" i laughed and pulled him across the parking lot "i didn't really get him that." he asked what then "just a led zeppelin cd " i replied.
when we walked back, lauren went "ooooohhhhhh" in a flirty way.
Finally, mom had the camera and I opened the gift. Lo and behold, it was breaking dawn. I jumped and said " i love you" while attacking him. mom took a picture of me and him and the book. I smiled because he's such an amazing friend to me, crazy attitude and all.