i liked him first.

i hate feeling this way. it like sneaks up on me. and when they talk to each other or she goes out of her way to see him, i want to throw up. and it's just not exactly cool.

so this semester is over in three more months haha

-still holding on
-survived boar's head
-been up past midnight for the past week studying for a test & working on a paper
-presentation tomorrow
-going home this weekend
-listening to christmas music
-there's just so much to write, i don't even know
where to begin. but it will get done. 

ahhhh

junior year! four weeks in baby :)
-tons of homework
-so many projects and papers
-dance club
-trying to hold on lol

this semester is going to be crazy i can feel it.
it'll be one year tomorrow-how insane, you know?

miss you grampie, heaven's probably real sweet.

another friday night watching law and order

gah this blog though. it just looks stupid. and i hate the layouts they give you. boo

and i have lots of homework which i don't feel like doing, cause let's face it: there's only like two weeks left of school before summer.

i wish i was up to date with my notebook but i'm not :/

i have to work on my story thats due soon in my fiction class; basically the comments i got back on it from my classmates suggest my characterization was a no go and there are problems with believability. so it's all a fail and i don't feel like messing with it.

boo lol

tomorrow is my first exam, one on monday, then one on thursday.

eeek! it's so weird i'll be halfway through my sophomore year soon!

"I think that the only reason why people hold onto memories so tight, for so long is because memories are the only things that don't change, even when people do."

JUST TOO PRECIOUS

gramie and grampie

hello. it is i :)

you want the real deal?
wrote this on fri. nov. 30

ATTENTION! i am done with world of work,as of Nov. 28. YAY YAY YAY

a) I finished with both of my presentations (beasted them), so my work load is dwindling for now :)
b)classes end on the 5th, my finals are on the 7th, 10th, 13th. i am confident in all of those classes, so i have a good feeling
c) this semester has been so awesome. this semester > freshman fall semester
d)my american literature professor finally gave the midterms from september back, i got a 97 :) YES YES!
e) today my ballet class performed during boar’s head, and it was really awesome:) i messed up a little from my nerves, but i am still proud of myself and so thankful for the girls i dance with. dancing has always been my passion ,but the team i was apart of all through elem, middle and high school soon became something i grieved about. i felt left out and the girls became cruel. ANYWAY, i’m just really happy.
f)i have some writing pieces from my creative writing class that i think are really strong so i’ll put them up on here.
g)tomorrow’s december, it’s almost christmas :D
h) currently watching my usual law/order svu

more recently...as of dec 1. lol:

a) i wrote a substantial amount in my notebook and
b) i failed nano. i made it to around 18,000 words which is the most i've gotten in a novel. the story line was kind of weak but had some good points. i kind of feel like i failed but at least i attempted . i'll just do better next year and probably should write over thanksgiving break haha. 
c) elf is on again oh yes
d)ah! every time i come on here i get reminded about my silly church story. i get really excited writing that even though its so dumb lol
e) sorry for that childish post. thanksgiving was fun after my mom and i had a breakthrough.
f) i just really miss my grandpa. it just made it even harder not being in wisconsin

just really frusturated and disapponted beyond belief.

law and order svu can't even cheer me up. or watching october sky or the lake house or to kill a mockingbird.
i'm just really angry.

i can't talk to my mom because we'll just end up fighting and i don't feel like doing that.
it's basically whatever.

i miss my grandpa

blahhh. i hate this. any emotional dying thing reminds me of my grandpa and i get terribly sad and want to cry again.
like watching that dr.sloan guy die on greys atamony. lol. seriously though.

the good thing is this weekend it looks like i won't really have any homework so i can spend alot of time writing things hopefully! :)

2 weeks today.

all these memories flooding toward me, pulling me down unitl i can't breathe

all i picture is the past and how, i am finally on dry ground, the future doesn't hold you.

Tie a knot in the rope, tryin' to hold, tryin' to hold,But there's nothing to grasp so I let go

[Tues. May 2, 2012: 6 years ago? 1 little, 2 little, 3 little friends. 4 little, 5 little, 6 little friends. 7 little, 8 little, 9 little friends. 10 little, 11 little friends all happily laughing. Then one day we were all in highschool? 1 and 2 little, 3 and 4 little graduated, engaged and married. 5 little, 6 little, 7 littel are seniors, 8 little, 9 little, 10 little, were juniors/sophmores. all on different roads]

[2008, sophomore year]

like i said, sophomore year at school started out sloppy and boring. like me. i had just gotten braces and i couldn't care at least about my appearance, mostly my hair. i wasn't the new kid at school this year but once in a while it certainly felt like it. plus, sometimes i wasn't in a good mood for no reason and i was always tired it seemed like.

but, my school work became really important to me and i really was striving to get all A's so i would not have to take any exams at the end of the semester. i loved learning the new vocabulary words and history lessons. and finally? no crushes, smittens with anyone. i really just tried to work on my friendships, especially at church.

I felt like jerry and i were pretty smooth sailing. marc and I would always fight though, or it was just mostly me picking on him. ms.lulu enjoyed it though, "you're always fighting like an old couple" she'd joke. i didn't mind it. to me, it was all fun and games. and marc was so funny.

but i'd never believe he really liked me-like that.

goofy, clumsy, low self-esteem, tangly hair? not a chance. i mean, let's face it-i was not 100% model material.

* * *

i like that when zz and i went to the lulu's house in august, i was myself. i played guitar hero with them and watched prom night and just hung out. nothing special, just us pals

* * *

One day in september i was reading the book "love, stargirl". and what she did was write this "longest letter" to her 'lover'. being inspired easily by books , i decided to do that.

i wrote to marcus. he just popped into my head, entries were like how was your day/here's some random information about me/sorry i said this to you/sorry i did this to you/i promise i'll stop annoying you/ and most importantly-i wouldn't really mind going to the movies with you as friends and just hanging out.

all of these things i wrote to him because they were so much easier than saying it to his face.

* * *

and so i was into learning. i was determined to become "smarter". yes, i got good grades and studied my butt off, but as one knows, the more you learn, some stuff you forget. plus, i always felt dumb compared to marmar and jo. the "crazy girl" doesn't really know anything. i always got that tone and vibe from some stuff joe said to me. marmar was in a higher math and science than me and he was a year younger. i studied my vocab, i learned about ATP, and i did the practice booklet for the PSAT, i understood my geometry, but i always, always felt slightly dumber,

and i constantly question myself and write to him- why me?

* * *

so the school aspect of sophomore year wasn't all that superb. but youth group was all the better.

not liking anyone was especially uplifting. just me laughing, striving to be "the funny, crazy" one.

in october, we went to the corn maze. we all got seperated from one another. joe and lauren found a boy to talk to, and marmar, mm, and chris got seperated from me. i eventually caught up with jerry; we just talked about biology and my clumsy ways.

december rolled around and ms.lulu, jerry, lauren all told me the same news: marmar was getting me something for christmas. i asked , "what is it??" they just told me "it's something you've asked for". that could only have me think of two things- 1. a booklight 2. or breaking dawn by stephanie myers.

still, i realized that i would get him something too.

at the lwml christmas luncheon i asked ms.lulu my number one thought "why me?" she named all these qualities but after all of them i would say "i'm mean". she shrugged.

* * *

I guess i became more comfortable and goofy self. and I did things that had people laughing...so that actually gave me hope that i was thought of atleast a friend to them.

* * *

clues:

1.it's not edible

2.i'll love it

3. something that i'd sleep with but not normal people

* * *

we all went caroling again this year, and it was awesome. we sang in nursing homes and everyone was laughing-jo, chris,me,jerry,marmar, lauren,zz. with them, i felt it was okay to be me.

one advent dinner, marc wasn't in a good mood and I wasn't helping. eventually I apologized to his face and he told me his mp3 player fell in the toilet. it was the second one, the first one someone stole...i tried not to laugh picturing it falling in the toilet, i just listened.

later, i scanned them on the computer, trying to look for an mp3 player. some were 70 dollars, and i thought that would be an excellent present. i told mom, but she said that would be too much to buy. so i kept looking.

* * *

i went to walmart one day with mom and i saw it. a new england patriot cup, i immediatley thought of marmar. at home i put new york giant pictures on it as a joke. simple, but i thought it would fit him perfectly.

* * *

sometimes i picture an amazing, super hot guy falling in love with me.

then i remember seeing her: the person who looks back at me in the mirror.

dorky smile, filled with braces

long,mangy,greasy hair that needs to be cut

stupid school uniform-shirts too big

shy at school

clumsy, really loud

i sigh. sometimes i think the whole God fearfully and wonderfully made thing blows.

* * *

Christmas eve was here and we all helped pass out candles during the evening service. Lydia Grimmenstein was playing her violing and jerry asked me " why aren't you playing" i said "they told me I didn't have to"

"you should get over your stage fright"

" I don't!...I just get nervous". but i smiled at him anyway because for once i could talk to him like a normal human being and not freak out.

After church they wanted me to open the present in front of marmar. I was afraid of that, cause I didn't want everyone watching me. While we waited for mom to get the camera, ms.lulu and I were talking about college. I told her I wanted to major in creative writing and I was thinking about greensboro. Jerry wanted to go to duke, he goes " she's said her major like 10 times !" I quickly hoped that wasn't true, I didn't want to sound like a idiot repeating her self.

then, it was zz, marmar and me. zz said, "ally's getting me world of warcraft for christmas, sucks!" marmar said "really??" i laughed and pulled him across the parking lot "i didn't really get him that." he asked what then "just a led zeppelin cd " i replied.

when we walked back, lauren went "ooooohhhhhh" in a flirty way.

Finally, mom had the camera and I opened the gift. Lo and behold, it was breaking dawn. I jumped and said " i love you" while attacking him. mom took a picture of me and him and the book. I smiled because he's such an amazing friend to me, crazy attitude and all.

today was a day that reminds me of how much my hair sucks.

So. One year a lovely friend wrote 200 facts about herself. And i was inspired to do the same.

Why I am a loser:
1. I started the list Feb 2009 and ended Jun 2010
2. I didn't even reach to 200.

Nevertheless:

(the * mean it no longer applies :) )

1.The person constantly in my head is someone expectant *

2. I don't like wearing dresses *
3. I notice people's legs more than the face. i see if they have good/bad calf muscles and i only hope someone would think my legs were good and muscular.
4.Obviously I'm obsessive about how my legs look
5.When I first got Harry Potter # 1 I looked at it weird. I now own all the books.
6. I really wish I had a sister. *
7.When it comes to school papers or articles or homework, your spelling/grammar has to be correct or it will bug me.
8. I enjoy doing research papers
9. I shave my legs more in the winter than summer. *
10. My love life was short and is now extinct. We liked each other. I screwed up. We all got our hearts broken.We're the best of friends, like it never happenened.
11. My 10 year old brother is getting a better education than I did when I was his age. You do the math
12. After 1 1/2 of watching [scrubs] my parents told me I couldn't watch it anymore. I cried. *
13. Sometimes my self-consciousness and low self-esteem creep up on me and I feel stupid all over again.
14. I'm not that popular at school. * ( I mean...it's college for pete's sake)
15.I know everyone and everything about everyone at church
16. Since the 8th grade, I've been buying more notebooks. ask me about them.
17. I currently am wanting all A's
18. Most of my friends are younger, their just easier to deal with.
19. It's nice to have your best friend be the same age though.
20. I've always wanted a cool nickname.
21. I like expanding my vocabulary
22. The person I wanted to go skydiving with is afraid of heights. any takers? *

23. If I didn't do dance for 9 years straight, I seriously think I would have been an obese kid.
24. This year would've been my 10th. & I would have gotten a trophy.
25. I just make myself mad sometimes
26. I'm deathly afraid of losing you. *
27. I hate cockroaches.hate them.hate them.hate them.
28.When I think about my future, I seriously don't see myself getting married. I'll be too busy
29. Waffles are so much better than pancakes
30. More than likely, my favorite songs are my favorites because I can relate to the song/lyrics
31. I've come along way
32. I can do this weird thing with my hands called "clapping"
33.My inspiration to getting up on a school day is thinking each day is it's another day to strive for excellence..my grades are taped next to my calendar *
34. Don't tell me my shoes are untied or to tie them so I won't trip cause 99.999999% of the time I know their untied and I want to just leave them like that.
35.Sometimes I lie and the truth is just the opposite *

36.I'm one of those people who hide their emotions and is all tough and mighty, when really, I just need a friend. * (I like to think I'm not pathetic like that anymore..)
37.I blurt the hard, mean truth always and are very defensive and say what's on my mind. * ( I'm dumb.)
38. #37 only happens 99.9% of the time, the one % stands for occasions where I write because I'm too afraid to say anything. * (Writing things down I would have said is a habit all the time)
39. I'd pick orange juice over apple juice
40.Freshman year beats sophomore year like you don't even know
41.I hate crying. It sucks I'm a girl
42.I'm very defensive. Very much like the kind where I have to have the last word-so my mother says.
43.Mostly, I could care less about the XY chromosome. But I have my days.
44.I live for summer*
45. If all else fails, I'd join the army
46. I love this country so much.
47. Sometimes, I wonder-and wish- about my parents lives. The 50s,60s,70s,80s. I wish I could live in those moments, it'd be magnificent.
48. I like getting sunburns...they are kind of fun.
49. I'm not trying to be mean or cruel, but midgets kind of scare me. they're creepy :F
50. I'm collecting starburst so when I get my braces off, I have a bunch to eat.
51.I'll only eat pancakes, burgers, and mac and cheese if it's fast food. *

52. I've woken up in my own throw up before

53. I love watching the really old episodes of scooby doo

54. I am a good liar *

55. relationships make me laugh.. like I don't even know to do with them *

56. I live with mostly guys who influence me

57. I want to read 1,000 books

58. I really don't like clingy people

59. I wish daniel radcliffe was my age

60. if you are from a different religion it would not stop from being my friend

61. also , if you are from a different religion, and i ask what you believe, please don't be intimidated, I jut want to know.

62. you're probably scared of me right?

63. i'm a daughter of a preacher man

64. Sometimes i have random OCD episodes

65. I'm closet to a cousin whos 2 years younger than me

66. Usually you're not supposed to care what you act like when you're with your cousins? that's not the case with me. *

67. If it comes down with it, I rather die not getting married

68. I'm dying to have a deep conversation wiht someone, like just tell me your life story.

69. My brothers pass as my best friends

70. I get really tired of the same pop music at times so I listen to oldies

71. At night, I listen to delilah who plays love songs *

72. I do things at church I wouldn't have dreamed of doing with some, such as pretending I have a tumor at a church yard sale *

73. one of my friends, c.c.d, inspires me every friggin day

74. Chicken noodle soup books are amazing, they make me cry

75. I love reading those little gift books, like on sisters and stuff

76.on numerous occassions, I have read more than one book at a time

77. If i need to talk to someone about something serious, I stall by saying stupid stuff

78. Being the oldest sucks

79. I'm the one my parents depend on, sometimes too much *

80. I can change my handwriting quickly

81. Math isn't my thing and it's particualry annoying, but I still manage to get A's

82. I'm the only one in my english class that liked reading great expectations

83. If you compare me from 6th grade to 8th grade pictures there's a whole physical change

84.My status at school is between the "losers" and the cools * -wow wasn't i special

85.i actually enjoy reading grammar books and plays

86. i now own an entire set of encyclopedia brittannica and yes i will finish it *

87. i have atharzagoraphobia. i'm also afraid of slipping in the shower and busting my head open

88. I have a whole list of phobia's in my binder

89. i haven't seen my best friend since last summer and i don't know how i'm supposed to go to higher things without her*

90. i have 11 diaries and 9 notebooks

91. i'm stoked for college ;D

92. i got breaking dawn for christmas and have yet to finish it *

93.I'm holding back my tongue so I can love my neighbor more...this one "friend" isn't helping

94. I memorize easily

95. I still remember exact day I quote "became a women".

96. one summer, my cousins and i almost got killed by fireworks. instead of going up, they went backwards and shot toward where we were sitting. we screamed and none of the adults noticed

97. this year, my birthday is going to be on a sunday *

98.kayla is my siamese twin, i'd pick her to go to the beach again.

99. I was so excited to finally go to a haunted corn maze last year. I ended up crying because the people were in my face and touching me and sniffing me, it was very uncomfortable

101. as you can see, i'm very pathetic *

102. i may be disorganized but i'm organized too

103. the above is speaking of my room, in my mind i have to organize it by making lists

104. i love analogies and word searches

105. once, in biology, we watched this video about everything on our body parts. it was different but very educational, which meant i enjoyed it while everyone else didn't

106.it's okay, i realize i am a freak *

107.i went through this horrible conflict but out of it I gained a friend

108.If you insult my dad, you've gone too far

109.I'm constantly worrying if I'm too immature sometimes

110.I truly don't mind having braces. I've always wanted them, cause then I'd have a "different" image instead of old me

111.There's an explicit amount of people that I actually care what they think of me

112. I should be doing my homework instead of this (i think this is funny that this is still true, 2-3 years later )

113. "Hey there delilah" still makes me happy

114.I want to write something epic like "the realm of possibilities"

115.We are now reading frankestein, once again I'm the only one ecstatic about it

116. I went through a stage where I wrote poems

117.There's only three american idols i care about : kelly clarkson, carrie underwood, and kris allen

118. I feel more proud than anything else when I get a compliment from my dad

119. I cried when Sirius Black died

120. Twilight's okay

121. I used to exaggerate my storied to people to make them more funny

122. I've been told I sit like a guy and eat like a guy *

123. When Hedwig got blown up, I had to stop reading Harry p #7 for a while because I was so mad/sad

124.I start things and rarely finish them, or it takes along time

125. I have this problem with slightly liking this guy...even though he's broken my heart. *

126. The person in #1 is out of the picture, ha

127. I'm often jealous of people and have to remind myself constantly to just be myself and not others *

128. I think I'm pretty great and everything but I can't see anyone missing me when I'm gone...does that sound too suicidal? *

129. Sometimes I question my faith/God

130. I think I'm bipolar...or moody or something *

131. I think too much and I just have to have an answer now. Like a definite one, like i can't seem to relax and go with what life will give me, i have to know now *

132. I've got this label that's "wild, crazy girl" and some people read into it alot. What's a girl go to do to get people to take her seriously?*

133. I'm very conscience of noises..ever since that night*

134. I need to work on my attitude when things don't happen the way they expect. Like when we go somewhere, I swear it's like I'm spoiled and I hate it

135.Sometimes I can be the girl who "just doesn't want to hurt his feelings" *

136. I've probably repeated myself several times

137. I don't think I'm fat, just want to lose weight

138. When I was in middle school I tried cussing and obviously realized I needed to stop

139. I think junior year will be amazing

140. I like the beach, but I get nervous about jelly fish or undertow/currents

141. I enjoy writing with my left hand

142. I think I'm going to create my own dream book. *

143. I don't like being the leader, cause I just know the people won't respect me

144.I hate being in charge, like I'm so tired of it *

145. It's been one year since I ended the previous (fail)

146. I reread those and it makes me laugh cause I'm not really like that...sort of depresssed on life bit

147. Junior year was awesome

148. I spen the last three years going whereever my best friend goes and now she's moving to texas and I don't know how to function alone *

149. I'm ecstatic about getting my license soon

150. I only hope I can impress someone like in the "love gives me hope" stories

151. The boys I always like are the ones who we'll probably have no real future together

152. Love in general gives me hope

153. i've memorized someone's license plate before

154. Found out one of my guy friends is going to Concordia College in chicago. I wonder if He himself was ever going to tell us

155. The only way I fall asleep is if I listen to taylor swift *

156. I wish the song "fifteen" came on when I was a freshman, it would have helped me out :p

157. I used to hate rap, now I love it.

in the dorm just finishing some homework :)
did beach volleyball yesterday, watched the bucket list last night, saw a comedian a couple days ago.

and saw my dad & brother today.
yea :)