[Sat. Jan 31, 2009: Things have changed. i love him. she's gone-my best friend. A piece of him is with. But we're all alright. Whady'a say we climb this mountain and take on the world?...]
[2007, freshan year]
After we got back, you could so tell that he liked her. But I started at a new school, freshman year and i focused more how to fit in and them less.
Besides, there were plenty of more cute guys at school. The kind that are really popular and make you nervous by just seeing them across the hall. Maybe i stopped caring or i didn't feel so heartbroken but something happened.
Jerry and i started to become at least decent friends. Like it all happened so fast and random you wonder where that root of our fun friendship even began. Either way i was in the position i had so longed for a year ago.
i completley forgot about the previous summer. Things were falling into place.
This year when the youth group went christmas caroling, it was great. When we were getting in the car, then Lauren said some things again, she asked" Where's Jerry?" i told her he's with his lover.
"Who?" she asked.
i repeated myself.
"Who?" she asked again.
"Alex" Joe and i both said
Then she goes" Oh, but i thought Jerry still liked Ally, you just never admitted it."
i was taken aback. never admitted it? what?
it clicked. When i recieved the news in june, i just nodded. i just assumed he already knew... you know?
it clicked again.
i screwed up.
( * * * )
Through the new year, everything was fine and dandy. i noticed jerry feeling down when we were making subs. But, Alex wasn't there- so that probably was the problem.
But it didn't stop there.
He wasn't hanging out with us as much.
and in bible study that was all we heard about. "She's so pretty. and smart" blah blah blah
at snack he sat by her. slowly, but surely, my self esteem was lowering, hatred was bubbling, and jealousy was coming on full force.
Why wasn't i as pretty as her? why wasn't i as graceful and smart? why was i so immature? why was i just a big joke?"
(* * *)
I hated myself. and i hated them. every sunday we would here how pretty she was, how pretty her dresses were. her natural beauty. how ironic-she wore makeup.
jerry wasn't a fun friend anymore. he was a pig. and the only girl who saw this change beside me was tiffany, a pre-teen.
Who knew this would happen? i certainly didn't. looks like i was back where i was before: confused about boys..and love. but more importantly confused about friendships.
(* * * )
Tiff and i would hang out after church and long after snack was done with. we would mostly talk to ms. lucas. the teasings of me and marc would begin but i would ignore them. i mean really? there's no way that's true.
Even though i was annoyed by jerry i couldn't get enough of their family in general. yet who knows why...
Anyhow, once tiff blurted out i like jerry while we were talking to him and his mom. but i confided, "tiff that was like a year ago". and quickly changed the subject.
Jerry probably thought "silly girl crushing on me, so hopeful it would change". but i also hoped he was smart and took it as the truth and thought about how he had his chance and blew it. and would admit that both of us messed up.
But, he didn't. i watched him sit there. how i saw it didn't click in his mind. a second chance-let alone-an oppurtunity was given to show something went wrong.
but no.
yea things didn't get better, but not worse. but that seemed the worst of all.
( * * * )
i hated myself. i compared to her all the time, everything was completley worthless.
i definitley struggled with self esteem and lack of confidence issues. at church, at dance, and once in a while at school.
it was a miracle when school ended. kayla and i went to the beach together for a week and i felt like i could finally fly. even if it was a short period.
(* * *)
In june, mrs.beyersdorf had given me a loaf of bread she made from scratch. it was an early birthday present. we were having a meeting before we were going to the second higher things conference, this time in pennslyvania.
Jerry asked me why i got bread. a decent question in months. i told him it's for my birthday. it's in a week.
he said "oh yea. marc's going to get you something"
another dumb crack about me and marc.
Jerry seemed normal.
i widened my eyes, oh gosh no.
the youth pool party started off grand. i told lauren about marc getting my present. she said "oh yea, we all were just joking about that and laughing later".
Good. the whole crushing on me was very doubtful.
This year the youth group was: chris, me and my brothers, lauren, kristee, alex, jerry, joe and marc.
we were all ecstatic. the girls (aside from alex) goofed around in the church at night and took random pictures. and we fell asleep smiling.
but of course nothing could prepare with what we were about to be confronted with.
sure laughs and jokes, but it always comes hand it hand with relationships tested and pain.
Chris and i were supposed to room together, but the first night we locked our selves out.
"i thought you had the key!"
"i thought YOU had the key!?"
so we crashed with alex, who was supposed to be rooming with lauren, but she switched into joe's room. that night chris, alex, and i talked and talked.
We even recorded us saying "time to get up! get up so you can get your key! you need your key from the police! GET UP!" on alex's cellhpone and set that as our alarm.
The next day she was our savior and prevented us from getting lost. we made jokes about everything and ate alot of free lollipops.
I realized that this is why i was so excited about her coming to church those two years ago. this is why deep down i knew she was amazing.
my jealousy wasn't even there when the summer began. we spent so much time together i suddenly remembered why i was happy she moved here in the first place.
( * * *)
the thing is, the reason that chris, alex, and i spent all of our time together was joe and lauren spent so much time looking at guys and hanging with this guy jeff.
when we were at a session, joe was writing to chris everything that happened between him and them two.
i read what she wrote. i was disgusted.
pennslyvania was the place where i lost my respect for her and when we kind of stopped being best friends.
Everything was crazy. they did some wrong things with a guy. it was such a headache. hours was wasted being involved with them especially how they kept hanging out with him.
Jerry was quite again.
alex, chris and i would sit on the grass. and i'd be filled with pain and confusion.
we were talking about marc.
alex told us" yea jerry would call me and talk about how marc is senstive when you guys pick on him and how his dad use to make fun of himr or something..."
i just looked at him across the grass. i wasnt't jealous of how jerry and alex talked, i wasn't hurt, i wasn't thinking "oh woe me". i just thought how hurting a friend could make one feel so guilty and that i would try harder.
i later sat on a bench and jerry came and sat next to me. "What's wrong ally?"
" i'm just tired of being with people."
he said" yea that's why i go away sometimes."
i finally understood him of why he ramdomly disppears. i wish it was that easy for me. that reminded me a couple days earlier when he told me "you're so popular, it's like you're the ring leader". i never thought of it really.
but i guess so. i worked up to be so fun and noticeable just so jerry could notice me. now it just stuck.
having a quiet moment is like getting a 1,000 dollars, never going to happen.
nevertheless, at the end of the night we all rolled down the hill and looked at the beautiful stars.
the next morning, i said goodbye to everyone while my family and i go to new york for the rest of the summer.
i said goodbye to alex, knowing that in a week she'd be moving to oklahoma.
( * * *)
in august, i sent a letter how grateful and gracious i was of her. she completely understood. i love her .
Sophomore year wasn't the greatest. i was still in an awkward stage and it seemed i was always moody.
but it was the year marcus lucas and i got close and it was a whole new journey.